VBB 295 — How Reframing Suffering Can Create Unparalleled Success with Visionary Leader Temi Ajibewa!

Intro [00:00:01]:

Virgin Beauty Bitch Podcast: inspiring women to overcome social stereotypes and share unique life experiences without fear of being defiantly different. Your hosts, Christopher and Heather.

Let's talk, shall we?

Christopher [00:00:20]:

Here's a question very few women dare think out loud. What does empowerment mean to you? The media tells us it's women who've earned titles like Presidents and CEOs, Superstars like Taylor Swift, women bosses, and badass women. But one group of women, and actually the largest group of women, are often excluded from the empowerment conversation. Who are they? They are the stay at home mom, the housewife, the dependent woman. Today, we bring her into the empowerment conversation, and there is no better person to talk to on the topic than the founder of the Millionaire Housewife Academy, Temi Ajibiwa.

Temi, Welcome to Virgin Beauty, Bitch!

Temi Ajibewa [00:01:11]:

Thanks for having me.

Christopher [00:01:16]:

I understand the Millionaire Housewife Academy, which is led by you, is a team of visionary women committed to impacting as many stay-at-home women as possible by giving them the right education, tools, and opportunities to be mentally and financially independent. But who is Temi? And where did this visionary idea even come from?

Temi Ajibewa [00:01:39]:

Oh, wow. Thank you so much. It's been a while since anyone asked me, who is Temi? So that's like, okay, wow. So Temi is a very visionary woman. I say very because I feel I'm a bit over the edge of the majority of visionaries. So, I'm this person who is very driven by my quest for significance. And what that means to me is when people's lives are better because they came across me. So I like to say, I'm not someone you meet; I'm someone you encounter.

Temi Ajibewa [00:02:22]:

And so I love it when people's lives get better. They are able to do better; they are able to have more because they encountered me. So I'm moved by my quest for significance; I'm moved by my quest for freedom. I love my soul to be free, freedom of location, freedom of decision, freedom to be me, you know? I love it. I say I have an unusual disease known as LFT. That is a Low Frustration Threshold. I don't want to be frustrated; I'm not the school of long-suffering.

Temi Ajibewa [00:03:10]:

I'm sorry, I'm not. I believe in hard work, I believe in perseverance, I believe in grit, and passion. But long-suffering, why should I suffer for so long? I should be able to get myself out of the ruts, you know, as quickly as possible. That's why I leverage heavily on people, mentors, and coaches to get me out. Out of my suffering so that it does not end up being long. Okay? So, I'm moved by my quest for freedom and also my quest for luxurious comfort. I love to be comfortable in a very luxurious manner that I can afford. Right? I'm not trying to impress anybody.

Temi Ajibewa [00:03:56]:

One of my ruling principles in life is from Proverbs 29:22. I'm a Christian, by the way, and it says that the fear of people's opinions disables. So when you are afraid that people think about you, it ends up in the form of disability, mental disability, vision disability, your dreams disability. Right? So, I do not live my life in fear of what people would say or their opinion, right? So I'm very decisive. And yes, I am married with children. You know, somehow, I always managed to say that part of me and my husband, like most women, start with, you know, I'm married, I have children. I'm like, I'm sorry. Without you guys, as amazing as you are, I have two boys.

Temi Ajibewa [00:04:53]:

There is a Temi; there is a me outside of you. I am right at the front. Front of my line, of my own line. You know, there's a queue in front of me. And I believe that women who are not married should not feel any less than those who are married. Women who don't have kids, either by choice or by chance, should not feel any less. So there is always a you! So I always say, when we strip you of all your accolades, of all your certifications, of the titles and the positions, who's left at home when I knock in like pom pom pom, who is there right beyond all the accolades?

Temi Ajibewa [00:05:37]:

So I always say who I am from what motivates me, from my vision, from why I do what I do, from my beliefs, and why I woke up this morning grateful. Right? And by the way, today's my birthday. Yay.

Heather [00:05:55]:

Happy Birthday!!

Temi Ajibewa [00:06:00]:

My 37Th year officially. Yes. So that's who I am. I hope that kind of manages it.

Christopher [00:06:12]:

I'm sure it's just the tip of the iceberg. It occurs to me that a lot of things you just said, a lot of women are ashamed to admit. Why is that? Do you find that in your work and working with women, they are ashamed to put themselves the first thing that they talk about?

Temi Ajibewa [00:06:31]:

Oh, yes, yes, yes, and yes. Absolutely. Just thinking about it, I have a list of people in my head coming up already. You know, a lot of women feel the need to use external factors to define themselves. And it's because of this lie that you are not good enough. And so it's like, you know, there's this advert I hear used to be the thing in America where you used to say, coke is the real thing. You know, I'm not promoting Coca-Cola. I don't even drink it.

Temi Ajibewa [00:07:15]:

But they say it's the real thing. We didn't have that adverts in Nigeria when I heard it's a thing here. And so that real thing, a lot of women begin to pour Oil that covers the real thing. Just things are floated so it can come in the form of a marriage, in the form of certifications, in the form of their jobs, in the form of children. Some even add glitters to that. The oil that they pour on the, on the real thing, it's just the surface. So they ask you, who are you? Oh, I'm a doctor.

Temi Ajibewa [00:07:52]:

You know, I'm a, I'm a lawyer, I'm a physician, I'm a this, I'm a coach, I'm married, I have children, I'm a veteran. They tell you all the softest things that they have used to cover the real thing. And it's because when we are growing up with the media, either the TV, the radio, the, you know, social media these days, what is being celebrated? Just go on. Just go on, go on. LinkedIn. What is being celebrated is the new job, it's the new position, it's the new car, the new house. So the new certificates, the new degree, the admission. So all those things begin to form a listen of how we define ourselves.

Temi Ajibewa [00:08:47]:

So when you say, who are you? You're thinking of, oh, those things, you know, that I use to celebrate myself, not who are you? What are your idiosyncrasies? What makes you unique, like your fingerprints? You begin to forget those things. So, a couple of days ago, I got a nomination to be conferred an honorary degree. Honorary doctorate, doctorate degree. So I told my mother in love, I love her to pieces. She's my best friend, my husband's mother. I'm like, mom, you know, I'm gonna get this degree, this honorary doctor. Oh, wow. So you will become a doctor, Misses Temi Ajibawa.

Temi Ajibewa [00:09:31]:

I said, no, I will become Doctor Temi. You're like, no. What happens to the misses? I'm like, hello. You don't say, Doctor, Mister Tunde, Ajibwe. My husband is Tunde. So why would you say Doctor Misses? She said, but how would they know you're married? I like, why do they need to know I'm married? Why? She's like, okay, how would they know I'm a woman?

Temi Ajibewa [00:10:09]:

I'm like, how will they know he's a man? Why should they even know? She's like. But you know, we have this couple around us. You know, one is Doctor Chris, the other is Doctor Misses Chris. I said that right there is wrong. Don't do that, mommy, don't do it. They are both Doctor Chris's. Or you can say, Doctor Steve Chris and Doctor Betty Chris. That way, you get to know who is who.

Temi Ajibewa [00:10:51]:

She was like, oh wow, suddenly I feel so wrong. Like I'm like, no, no, no, it's okay, it's okay. You didn't know. You're not aware, but now you are aware. It's now your responsibility to educate other people. And she's way back in Nigeria, in a village in Nigeria, but she happens to be a retired school principal. She was very well read, you know, as a school principal, secondary school principal.

Temi Ajibewa [00:11:25]:

Like a middle and high school. Yeah, high school principal, you know, she's like, oh wow, now I know. You know. Yes, do change that. Now, that's a kind of conditioning that we still have to attach the misses to. Whereas the man is not compelled. He's just a doctor, and that's it, you know.

Temi Ajibewa [00:11:46]:

So it's from all the things that are being celebrated, the things that are being reiterated and reinforced in our minds. Back in Nigeria, at least growing up, women will stay in abusive marriages, like very abusive. And they would say that they are staying for their children and these children will grow to blame the mothers. I have a close friend who right now is having friction with her husband. The husband always says that it seems my friend is punishing him for her father's maltreatment of her mother. I'm like, what? And so I asked her, she said to me, I can't help it that my mom took too many shits, forgive my French, too many shits from my father. It was just too much. She just grows, she just keeps thinking of the nonsense upon nonsense that she kept accepting from him.

Temi Ajibewa [00:13:02]:

And so she grew up hating her though loving her father. I'm like, why? Why? She said because she just, she just does. She hates why any human being would take so much. She had opportunities to have worked out, to have just gone, but he would just abuse her and make her feel small. She stopped going to school. She just killed herself. And she would say she was in it for her kids. 

Temi Ajibewa [00:13:33]:

Now, they're just two of them, according to her. She detests her. And I'm like, gosh, look at that. All of that, and for what? So I don't advocate divorce, not ordinarily, but I say the moment you stop being your priority, the moment you lose your peace, the moment you stop being the reason why you are in the marriage, that's a good time to check out. You can't be there for the children. You can't be there for what people will say, for the in-laws or for the money or for all those things.

Temi Ajibewa [00:14:13]:

It has to be for you. Your peace of mind is very, very important. So I see a lot of women, they just. They just cower. That's the word I want to use. Just cover their head. And, you know, they just bow their heads to the other titles that we have, that we see. And they don't say, I am this.

Temi Ajibewa [00:14:38]:

So who should you be? You should be your own identity, your reason for living should be why you are should be you. Your purpose in life should be you. Your passions should be you. You know, the subject matters that excite you should be you. Your likes and dislikes should be you. You know, those are things that should define you before anything else. Why? Because those other things you can share in common with other people, there will be thousands of doctors, thousands of, you know, mothers. Millions of mothers, right? Millions of being a sister, of being a girlfriend, of being a whatever.

Temi Ajibewa [00:15:26]:

But you see when we put together your reason for being what the Chinese would call your Ikigai, when we put that together, there are few people that can compete with that. And that is how you want to keep defining yourself, not just with the labels.

Christopher [00:15:45]:

Amen!

Heather [00:15:46]:

Wow. Isn't that wow just so well said? Because we have had so many women on the show, and it's from every type of, like, walk of life, every background, every circumstance, and just as you said, staying in the relationship, we've talked a lot about this on our show to nothing. I feel that when, as you've said, society is saying it's your fault if the marriage falls apart. It's your responsibility to make sure all these people around you are cared for and you're at the bottom of the list. So everything that you've spoken towards here to really build up that sense of self that is beyond who you are to other people, or even the accolades that you have, or the certificates. And really get to know that person.

Heather [00:16:37]:

That your likes, your dislikes, what motivates you so that you have something that no matter what the circumstances around you change. You still have that.

Temi Ajibewa [00:16:46]:

You can come back home.

Heather [00:16:48]:

Come back home.

Temi Ajibewa [00:16:50]:

You know, when you do that, you are able to also let other people be themselves. You are able to extend more grace to other people. You are able to serve not from your full cup but from your overflow. You don't serve from your full cup. What's in your cup is for you. Your full cup is for you, baby. It's what you have. So when you keep pouring into yourself, you pour self-love, self-care, self-compassion, self-confidence.

Temi Ajibewa [00:17:29]:

You keep pouring that into you and begin to overflow. Then, and only then can you begin to serve from your saucer. And everyone is happy because you are full. But if you keep pouring from your full cup, you keep pouring from your full cup. As time goes on, you're going to be empty. Your full cup is yours. Say it with me.

Temi Ajibewa [00:17:50]:

My full cup is mine.

Heather [00:17:52]:

My full cup is mine.

Christopher [00:17:58]:

There's a deep problem that your core identity as a female is devalued the moment you are born female. So, filling that cup that is devalued by everyone around you is so difficult. How did you manage to understand your own value, your own worth?

Temi Ajibewa [00:18:28]:

Yeah. Thank you so much for saying that and for asking that question because this brings me right back to the beginning of my life. So, I grew up as a bastard. A bastard is a child without a father or legally, you know, speaking. My mother met my father when she was 26 years old. My father was married and had, I think, two or three children, but he was a Muslim. And so, back in Nigeria, Muslims are allowed to have up to four wives, which is another form of nonsense anyway. But, hey, it's a culture and you just don't want to tamper with that. So they met in Nigeria.

Temi Ajibewa [00:19:20]:

My father used to live in the UK because he used to work with an airline. So, his wife was in the UK. And then my father's relatives said, oh, you are back in Nigeria. Bring your wife home. But my father's wife, my stepmom back in the UK, did not want to come back to Nigeria. So his relatives said, well, if your legal wife will not come to Nigeria, then you have to take a second wife, because you just can't be here by yourself. You need to have a wife here with you. And it was allowed.

Temi Ajibewa [00:19:54]:

It was legal. And so my mother was supposed to be the second wife. Now, there's this thing we have in our culture, in Yoruba land, where the woman needs to get pregnant to prove her fertility before marriage, another form of discrimination. So my mother had to get pregnant to prove our fertility. So when that happened, my father said, oh, yeah, so now I can get. I can get married to you. Unfortunately, my stepmother cut a whiff of the whole arrangement and then threatened to sue my father in the courts in the UK. And then he said, once you come in here in Nigeria, yes, you're good but don't expect to come in here, and I will not sue you for bigamy.

Temi Ajibewa [00:20:49]:

And so my father lost his balls and told my mother to abort the mission. Mission right here (Me). And then she said, nope, I'm 27 years old, never falling pregnant before, and I would not abort this mission. And so, at a time when being a single mother was not sexy, at a time when raising a child by yourself was never encouraged, my mother chose the hard way out. She left my father and chose because my father said if you would have that child, she or he would be your sole responsibility. So my mother chose that path. Thank God she did, because I was her only child until she passed 16 years ago. When I was 21, she passed.

Temi Ajibewa [00:21:47]:

So my mother raised me by herself—a single mother. We were poor—really poor. But she gave me the best education. She sent me to private schools. You know, she worked hard as an insurance marketer. She never really remarried.

Temi Ajibewa [00:22:05]:

She remarried once, not fully. She was also required to prove her fertility to make things legal. But she couldn't have a child. And so she was, like, halfway in and then out from there because she could not have a second child. Look at that. Whereas she did. She did with me so easily.

Temi Ajibewa [00:22:25]:

And so it was just the two of us. I grew up independent. I grew up. My mom was a very strong woman. She had a shop. She would sell groceries from water to milk to biscuits to chocolates to beers, to everything, just for the two of us to survive. So I suffered rejection firsthand at any occultation with other people, any fights. Those kids on the street would call me a bastard.

Temi Ajibewa [00:22:59]:

For a long time. My middle name was a bastard. So I was Tammy bastard Lawson. My son name was Lawal. Tammy bastard law for a long time. And my mother was tagged a prostitute. Because when you have a child where you don't know the father, supposedly, or people don't know the father because she knew the father, but they don't know. They don't see him around.

Temi Ajibewa [00:23:26]:

You were tagged a prostitute because it was assumed that you were sleeping around. They. So in our context, that's what we call prostitutes, not necessarily the professional guys, you know, but that was it. So I grew up with that stigma, and it was a thing for me, and I just wanted to show my father what a bastard he was. And so I grew up wanting to just prove a point. I had this point that I wanted to prove successfully to make money. You know, I met him when I was 17 years old. I looked for him, I found him, and he still wasn't responsible, you know, so I really wanted to show him.

Temi Ajibewa [00:24:08]:

That was my reason. That was my first motivation for success. I placed him on a monthly salary. I remember there was a month he called me to ask for the money. That was about eight years ago that, oh, you know, I didn't see my monthly allowance. And I'm like, the nerve, you. You know? And then I knew I had shown my father.

Temi Ajibewa [00:24:33]:

And so in 2018, I was at a conference by Tony Robbins in London, and he said something. It taught something about reframing your mind, reframing what happened to you, and not saying you are here despite of what happened to you, but that you are here because of what happened to you. I remember breaking down, and then he said, be grateful for everything that was done to you, because they were done for you. Just thinking about it now, you know, I'm in that space again. And so that began my healing journey, 2018, where I became grateful for my father, that I'm here because of him. Every single thing he did, every rejection, every rape I suffered because I was not protected. Every abortion I had to have because of. Because I was not protected.

Temi Ajibewa [00:25:43]:

But I was looking for love everywhere, looking for acceptance. Every gray haired man was a center of attraction, strong pull for me, because I was just looking for a father. And this man took advantage of me severally, over and over. So thinking about all of that and saying that I went through all of that, and I should be grateful for that.  It was a huge hurdle I had to cross. But I'm grateful for the conference with Tony Robbins. It was the Unleash The Power Within conference.

Temi Ajibewa [00:26:22]:

That conference changed my life, and that was how I was able to break away from that. And it's been a journey ever since because shit keeps happening. I had to keep reframing, like, you have to keep reframing, right? So that was it for me. Even losing my mother, you know, becoming grateful for that, too, was another thing. Entirely again was another layer. I'm like, why did she have to die just when I was about to start making it? She was ill for a year. You know, she never enjoyed life, really, and, you know, it was just. But I had to also refrain, you know, she had to because of this, this, this, this.

Temi Ajibewa [00:27:08]:

And I'm here now. I'm better now. Now I can empathize now I can feel. Five years ago, I lost over $200,000 of my and other people's money to a bad investment, a high-risk investment in crypto. And I personally guaranteed these people's money foolishly. And so I've had to be paying people back their monies from my personal income back in Nigeria. And I'm like, why did it have to happen to me? Why me? I did a reframe as well. Now I'm able to, you know, to help other people. Today's my birthday, and I've read several messages that brought tears to my eyes.

Temi Ajibewa [00:27:51]:

And people keep mentioning the word your heart, your heart. And I'm like, when you pay for my coaching programs, I do not put my heart on the list of things you would get. I don't say you get my heart. My this. I just tell you, I'll teach you this. But they keep saying your heart. 

Temi Ajibewa [00:28:13]:

It's a wounded heart. That heart has been shamed, has been punched, has been, you know, brute, battered. And that's the word I'm looking for now, brutalized. I don't know, you know, but it's been, it's been. But I'm able to grow out of all of that because of the constant, consistent work I've had to be doing on my heart. 

Temi Ajibewa [00:28:48]:

I always pray God, enlarge my heart. Enlarge my heart to be able to accommodate more people. So I'm able to empathize. When I share my story of losing money, people are like, oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness, Kotemi, how did you survive that? Maybe they are owing, like, ten k, and they hear that I'm coming out of a 200k debt. Like, what? You know, it's mind blowing for them, and it keeps me grateful and keeps me humble every single time.

Temi Ajibewa [00:29:21]:

So the short answer to your question is, it's been a tough, rough journey having to come out of that space to where I'm saying, I'm feeling my cup for myself. It's everyday work. It's reading, it's studying, it's coaching, it's mentoring, you know, to be the best version of myself I can be every single day.

Heather [00:29:48]:

That is so beautiful. And it really brings light to a question that we love to ask our guests. And I would love to hear your perspective, given everything that you've just shared here. What does feminine mean to you?

Temi Ajibewa [00:30:05]:

I think the closest word I can say for me is multiplication. I think multiplication when I think feminine, and it's not having a child. I was sharing with my best friend that if I had grown up in America, I most likely would never have had children. You know, I'm like, I'm not just one of those women that have kids. I love my kids to pieces. They are phenomenal boys.

Temi Ajibewa [00:30:42]:

I would have seven of them if I was guaranteed I'll keep having these kind of kids. But I just think of a being that has capacity to just multiply, to just. I won't say give so that it's not misinterpreted, but to be multiple things. You can be this, you can be that, you can be that. So good, so excellently strong and good in your outputs, that every bit of you that is experienced is beautiful. It is excellent, it is wholesome, it is amazing. Every single bit of you, every. Every flick of your hair, every flutter of your lashes, every turn of your fingers, everything you touch, every multiplication of you is a wonderful.

Temi Ajibewa [00:31:58]:

You are magnificent. If I came back to the world a million times, I would not want to be anything but a woman like a woman that this woman I am right here. There's nothing I will change about that. So when I think of a woman, I just think of this. I think of somebody just like, you know, a rainbow, you know, an octopus, somebody, you know who is equally excellent in all her expressions. Yeah, that's the word.

Heather [00:32:35]:

That is absolutely. We've heard so many responses to that question, and each is so unique in their own way, but you just bring such a vibrancy to that conversation. So thank you for that.

Christopher [00:32:48]:

People who want to work with you because I want to work with you, how do they. How do they connect to work with you?

Temi Ajibewa [00:32:54]:

Oh, thank you. So, the closest place you can catch me is my website.  I'm also very active on Instagram. I'm active on LinkedIn.

Temi Ajibewa [00:33:26]:

I'm active on Facebook. You can email me as well. So currently, I serve as an expert monetization coach for thought leaders, women, and men who have a body of knowledge. They have passion, they have expertise that they want other people to know more about. They want to shine their light and be shameless about it.

Temi Ajibewa [00:34:01]:

You know, find your purpose, find your calling, and just turn the lights on that calling and make money from it. You know, that's my jam. I love to help people make money, to create wealth, to become known, become visible, you know, get recognized for who you are. You know, your person. You know, I love that. So that's how we can stay connected. Thank you so much.

Christopher [00:34:29]:

I want to share something. We spoke briefly last week, and both of us were motivated by Tony Robbins's The Power Within. And it was at that event where I, as a man, sat down for the first time and heard women speak about their true experiences in this life, just as you have shared with us today. I spent days and days and days listening to women speak on that level. And that is what motivated me to do what I do and have a partner like Heather to help me in that journey. So I definitely want to acknowledge that common connection that brought us going in this same direction and how powerful it is, how necessary it is, and why we are so committed to it. Thank you for sharing your story. It puts everything in context as to why we do what we do.

Christopher [00:35:32]:

Thank you so much for being part of that journey.

Temi Ajibewa [00:35:35]:

You know, after my experience in 2018, it was so good. I got back to Nigeria. I said to my husband that, you have to be the next one. So I gifted him the experience, the flights, the tickets, the hotels, everything. I said, we are going in 2019. We're there together. And I remember at the end of the fourth day, as we got to our hotel, my husband held my head in his hands, kissed my forehead, and said, Temi, you are a life changer. And my husband has not been the same again.

Temi Ajibewa [00:36:09]:

The following day, I remember him buying three tickets for the following edition. He said we would come and we must bring a friend to join us for the next edition. Unfortunately, Covid happened. We couldn't go, so we had to do the virtual one, you know, after that. But that was, it was a really, it was a pivotal moment in my life, the turning point for me. I began to see things differently, and I'm really happy for where I am today, despite, because of all I've been through.

Heather [00:36:44]:

Yes.

Christopher [00:36:45]:

Thank you so much. I really pray that women who are hearing this, men who are hearing this have an opportunity to look within and see their own power and to express that power to change the world around them. I pray that that is the outcome of this conversation.

Temi Ajibewa [00:37:04]:

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Heather [00:37:05]:

Thank you so much for joining us.

Christopher [00:37:07]:

And you have been listening to the.

Heather [00:37:08]:

The Virgin, the Beauty, and the Bitch.

Christopher [00:37:11]:

Find us. Like us. Share us! We welcome you back to become a partner in the VBB community; we invite you to find us@virginbeautybitch.com. like us on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn. And share us with people who are Defiantly Different like you. Until next time, thanks for listening.