VBB 292 Kelly Etter - When Women Prioritize Others Over Themselves!

Christopher [00:00:20]:

Is it a curse, or is it a blessing that women seem pre-wired to be healthcare workers for others, often at the expense of their own health? It's a conversation we'll get into with a woman who sees helping others heal as part of her contribution to humanity. Help us welcome Pilates teacher and trainer Kelly Eddard to Virgin Beauty Bitch.

Kelly Etter [00:00:48]:

Thank you very much, Christopher and Heather. Thanks for having me.

Christopher [00:00:52]:

It is our pleasure to have you. Now, Kelly, am I showing a chauvinist side, observing or saying that women instinctively or often unconsciously sacrifice their own health to ensure the health of others, from kids to parents to partners? And is there a downside to always putting the health of others first?

Kelly Etter [00:01:12]:

I don't think it's chauvinist at all. I was actually very touched and moved that, as a man, you're that self-sensitive to something that feels very inherent to me as a woman, and to many, if not most or all women I have worked with and talked with, it does seem as if we are hardwired that way. And then, of course, society kind of tends to steer us towards being in the supporting role rather than in the leading role, if you use like movie terms or theater terms. And yes, often we wind up putting everyone's up, everyone else's needs first to the, sometimes to the detriment of ourselves. And it's hard to get women to make time to. They consider it indulge in self-care or thinking it's selfish. Self-care is selfish. But if you think about, for example, the airlines, they always say, right, put on your own oxygen mask before you put on the oxygen mask of whomever you're traveling with.

Kelly Etter [00:02:24]:

And there's really something to be said for that as we wind up, often wind up getting depleted and then unable to fulfill the supporting roles that we, that we, for the most part, I think, do enjoy doing so. Yeah, that's a long-winded answer to your question.

Christopher [00:02:45]:

No, it just seems counterintuitive that you want to help others, so you push everything out of yourself and you never take anything back. Right. But if you're depleted and if you are not in full health, of what value is what you're putting out or trying to put out and taking care of others. Right. It just sounds. But we don't, obviously. Were you ever in that trap yourself?

Kelly Etter [00:03:10]:

Yes. Yes, I was. In the marriage to my son's dad was wonderful for many, many years, and unfortunately, he decided to end it. And I think part of the reason we came to that was, over the years, things that were said about how he would be better supported. I started adapting to. And over time, kind of lost me. I used to. I used to think that it was kind of cliche when people said, oh, I want to go find myself, or I needed to find myself again.

Kelly Etter [00:03:48]:

And I kind of finally understood that when. When in a counseling session during the ending of our marriage, the counselor asked me, well, so, you know, where do you see yourself going now? What do you want to do now? And I immediately started talking about the plans that we had, and she had to stop me. No, no, no. What does Kelly want to do? Where does Kelly see herself going? And I really had no idea. I didn't know how to answer because I had really. Yeah, I'd really embraced being the supporting role and doing whatever to meet his needs, meet my son's needs and then mine.

Heather [00:04:32]:

I think that what you're speaking towards is so. It is so commonplace. You know, when I. When I talk to. When I talk to women, you know, with kids or in partnership, but sometimes it's even the relationship that they have to their career. It's like an identity that gives validation almost outside of ourselves that I don't know whether through grooming or programming, we're so quick to be able to attach onto this sense of self and what we give to others or what we can do as a role to serve other people that, you know, when it does come into the look at who you really are and what makes you tick and what are the things that, you know, your identity is beyond your relationship to other people. Sometimes that can be a scary. A scary endeavor, and then, well, from the onset, and then I think it becomes quite, quite fun.

Heather [00:05:34]:

So I'd love to hear. Was there a conversation following up to that with your in therapy that was tapping into, you know, the next plans for you?

Kelly Etter [00:05:46]:

Well, I had. I've been very. I felt very blessed because I kind of overcame early physical challenges. I was born so pigeon-toed I had to wear leg braces, and the combination of the leg braces and dance classes healed the alignment of my legs and allowed me to actually have a successful music theater career. And I actually kind of blown away that coming from that challenge, that physical challenge, I wound up being able to have a pretty successful dance and music theater career, the highlight of which was being a Rockette in the Radio City Christmas spectacular. And then, yeah, when it was time to start a family. I found a new passion, and that's Pilates. And the just movement has always been very healing to me.

Kelly Etter [00:06:46]:

I think it's healing both physically and emotionally, psychologically. And so, yes, when I was in that really challenging time, it was a very difficult time. I basically fell into a pit of anxiety and depression and had anxiety attacks. And when I would lay down with my little boy at night to help him get to sleep, I'd be shaking and praying that you know, God, make it so he doesn't feel me shaking. I didn't want to scare him. I was supposed to be kind of supporting him and providing safety for him. And one night, actually, I made the mistake of taking my sleeping pill before taking my bathroom and woke up later to discover my mom, who didn't live with us in our home.

Kelly Etter [00:07:40]:

And she said she had raced over and pulled me out of the tub. And when it hit me that my son had nearly been left with the legacy of first having his family torn apart and then finding his mom drowned in the bathtub, I, like, I realized, okay, things have got to change. I can no longer allow my circumstances to define me. And so I made a decision to lean into becoming the best mom and Pilates trainer I could possibly be, to being of service to others, to surround myself with encouraging and supportive people, and to really get into that exploration of, okay, what does Kelly want? What makes Kelly tick? Who am I, aside from now? The former spouse and mom. And I got back into dancing, which I had set aside for quite a while because it had gotten in the way of what I felt were my roles as wife and mom and those things, as well as starting a gratitude practice in the mornings and actually saying out loud, I am grateful for, you know, there that I'm breathing. I'm grateful that I'm still here, I'm grateful for my son, etcetera. I think those words I am beforehand are very powerful. And doing all, it was.

Kelly Etter [00:09:10]:

It was like scattershot, right? Doing all these things helped me kind of come back to myself and, yeah, that phrase of find yourself. Well, I found myself again. I found more joy in my life again. The movement through dancing, through working with my clients, through being a service to them, helping them overcome physical challenges so they could really trust their bodies to support them in everything they want to do, encouraging them to put in their schedule time to take care of themselves, because many of them are and were wives and mothers as well, who would change their schedule and only come if they felt they could squeeze it in it came last to addressing the needs of anyone else.

Heather [00:10:02]:

I love one of the things that you said there. You said that my current circumstance doesn't define me. And I just think that no matter where you are in life, it can be such a tricky thing because sometimes the multiple identities we hold give us value and give us a sense of purpose. So to really tap into, you know, that truth in a way that, like, the uncertainty of the future is actually part of the wonder of life, I just really appreciate that because I think that so many aspects of our life are so volatile and can change so quickly, that to feel good in who you are despite circumstances or despite the good or bad situation that you're in, I think that's actually. It's very freeing.

Kelly Etter [00:10:54]:

Thank you. Yeah, I agree. I think it is freeing. And I think you said something a little bit ago, too, about. And the word that came to me was worthiness. I don't think you necessarily use the word worthy, but as far as purpose and having our roles give us a purpose and value, that's it. And having a value. And quite often, I think, yes, we allow either the things that we do, our support of other people or our circumstances, or a combination thereof to determine our value.

Kelly Etter [00:11:36]:

And rather than really looking to or understanding and accepting, I think for me, it was definitely is still, it's an ongoing journey of accepting that I have inherent value just because I'm here, right. Just because I'm a Christian. So just because God created me, right, because I'm here and that I am worthy, I have value. And then, I can provide even more value by the ways in which I'm a service to others. But that. That doesn't. Yeah, like we, like we already said, that circumstances don't need to define us, that we can decide how we're going to define ourselves.

Kelly Etter [00:12:23]:

And I like what you said about the future. Unknown actually can be more of a positive, curious, and having wonderment. And that's also been a process for me, and I'm still in process and progress about that because I kind of like to have everything figured out. But we don't, you know, things change. Like you said, life is volatile. There's constant. There are too many moving parts and pieces to think we've got it all figured out. And so, yeah, working on looking at it as an exploration and, oh, cool, what's coming next? And what can this turn into?

Christopher [00:13:02]:

Well, isn't that is bred into us? I mean, we grow up, we have religions that define things for us. We have schools that define our goals for us, et cetera, et cetera. Everything is defined basically for us until we fall out of one of these patterns. Then we have to start looking because we no longer have this pathway set out for us. We have to find our own way. But life sets us up to expect certain things to achieve certain goals, and we don't search until we fall off that path, and things go totally sideways on us, which, unfortunately, that's very sad. I believe that maybe we should be prepared for the things we can't prepare for. I think there'd be more joy if that was the way that we were brought up and that's the way we were challenged through life.

Kelly Etter [00:13:57]:

Sure. I think that sounds amazing. My question for you then would have been, so, how do you prepare for the things you can't prepare for?

Christopher [00:14:07]:

The thing is to get a general education of yourself. What are you capable of? What do you need help with? But where can you go for assistance with this problem as opposed to trying to then isolate ourselves and resolve everything? Because we're conditioned to believe everything, as opposed to fall one, two, three, four all the way through life. And no, I don't know anyone's life who has gone that way.

Kelly Etter [00:14:33]:

True. Very true.

Christopher [00:14:36]:

So for you, like, why there are so many modalities for healing? There are literally thousands of modalities, and all of them offer something spectacular. Why pilates?

Kelly Etter [00:14:49]:

A number of reasons, I think. One, it felt very. It felt like a very natural segue from a dance career. And like I said, movement. I've always felt movements always been a very important part of my life as a young person, dancing. I felt the most freedom when I was dancing. I felt more attractive. I felt more confident.

Kelly Etter [00:15:17]:

So it all became very empowering to me. And so I. So transitioning into some other sort of movement seemed to make the most sense to me. Also doing summer stock one year, girlfriends and I. Why? She had been in an accident and had had some injury to her neck, and the doctor had said, you know, you need to set aside your dance career. And fortunately, her physical therapist was also a Pilates trainer, and so moved her from modified physical therapy, from physical therapy, excuse me, into modified pilates, into full pilates. And it completely healed her. She was back doing shows.

Kelly Etter [00:16:03]:

We were doing shows together after all that. And we were in Fish Creek, Wisconsin, a lovely, sleepy vacation town. And so when we were in rehearsals, we felt great. We were, you know, dancing for hours and hours all each day. But once the show opened, there wasn't as much to do to stay physical and feel like we're staying in shape. So we got permission to move all the furniture in the lodge where they fed us. And she would run a mat class right before call time to the show. So, I had an early introduction to Pilates, and it felt very good. 

Kelly Etter [00:16:41]:

It felt very natural since it was fluid movement, much like dance. And then the fact that I had proof that it was healing, that she had healed an injury that she had told would end her career. And then actually kind of a what, again? Now, in hindsight, it feels like kind of a God moment. Or if people believe in coincidences, why then a coincidence? But we were in. When I was married to my son's dad, we were in just north of San Francisco, and I had just finished the Rockettes show, actually, and it was January, and all the gyms send out their promotions for, you know, free two weeks or whatever. And this. This flyer came, and it was free two weeks, and it showed a Pilates studio.

Kelly Etter [00:17:34]:

And so I had this. Then I was thought of it as just this little fantasy. Oh, wow. Wouldn't it be great if they also had a certification program so I could go for these two weeks and stave off getting out of shape, and then maybe I could get certified as a Pilates trainer and work right here. And that kind of all actually happened. And I went in one day, and the owner, Michael, walked me around to the equipment, and, you know, I did the machines, the flies, etcetera. And he said, wow, you've got really good form. And I said, thank you.

Kelly Etter [00:18:03]:

You know, this feels very natural to me. I come from a dance background, and he took me across the courtyard and upstairs to the Pilates studio, which was awesome. It was like being kind of in a tree house. There was a lot of natural light. And then sat me down in the little office, and, you know, the sales offices are teeny tiny, and basically started the sales, and the pricing was. And I chuckle a little bit as I look back on it because I didn't think of myself as that direct. But over the years, I've gotten more direct. And I said, look, Michael, your facility is amazing.

Kelly Etter [00:18:37]:

The planning studio is beautiful, but I'm on unemployment. I just finished a show. And so basically, I just need to use the two-week freebie to stave off getting out of shape unless you have a certification program. And he said, well, okay, as a matter of fact, we do. And it's starting in. I don't remember now, but it was like, two weeks, and we might even have a scholarship. I can call up to the studio and talk to our director, she's a former dancer. She blew out her knee and, you know, progressed into this.

Kelly Etter [00:19:08]:

He called up, and she said, no, they don't still have a scholarship. But he said, well, maybe that wouldn't be best for you anyway if you still want to do any shows because you'd be committed to, you know, a full-time schedule with us as soon as you got certified. So how about this? I give you a job as a floor trainer. It won't take me long to train you at all because of your background and awareness of body mechanics and healthy alignment, etcetera. And you will work your schedule around what you do. You know, what, the training schedule, the certification program. So he had a soft spot.

Kelly Etter [00:19:48]:

He did admit he had a soft spot for dances. His girlfriend was a dancer. But I mean, that just. That was so incredibly serendipitous. So that's why Pilates is opposed to some other movement modality it called by name.

Heather [00:20:06]:

What a beautiful story, though, of, you know, the right things at the right time, or, you know, divine intervention, if we want to call it that. But also, you know, a willingness from both you and that gentleman to. For you to advocate for yourself and for him to, you know, be. Be there to see a person's next step kind of come to fruition. So I think it's a really nice call for each of us to see how we can help with, you know, the people that may come into our lives to move them along, or vice versa.

Kelly Etter [00:20:40]:

I love that. I love that you pulled that from there. Yes. And the fact that there was an openness on both sides to, oh, what could this turn into?

Christopher [00:20:53]:

Yeah, but you had to also take the initiative to speak up for yourself and what it is you wanted, because you could have said nothing, right?

Kelly Etter [00:21:02]:

True. Thank you. Thank you for pointing that out. Yeah, that was. That was a moment of unusual chutzpah for me.

Christopher [00:21:13]:

I'm curious, though, because people think of pilates, they think of the physical side of the discipline, but it seems to me there's also a mental side to this healing as well that maybe goes under the radar. What's your experience with that side of your discipline?

Kelly Etter [00:21:33]:

Ooh, I like that question. Well, Joe Pilates actually called it contralogy, not Pilates, and he felt very much that our mind needs to be in control of what our body is doing. And he didn't care for, you know, seeing people in the gym and they're slamming out their flies, and they're looking all over, you know, that's how you can get injured, right? You really need to have your mind and body aligned. And I think that's a part of why. How it's helpful in healing is helping people bring people's minds and bodies together because so often, our mind is racing on our to-do list or any number of other things. And so I think that's how it can be stress relieving because this time is set aside strictly for being with me or with oneself and one's body and focusing on what movements you're asking of your body and how to do them helpfully. Joe Pilates's whole goal was to improve people's quality of life. And that's really my goal as well.

Kelly Etter [00:22:46]:

And so having a practical application is very important to me. And I put that in both when I'm working privately with clients and in my programs is, okay, why are you doing this? Why are you doing it this way? How do you then transfer this into your daily life so that you don't wind up bulging or herniating a disc in your back when you're loading and unloading the dishwasher, for example? So also then, teaching healthy body mechanics. And then I think we learned during lockdown how important to our health it is to. To be in relationship with people in community, interacting with others, in support of each other. So I think all those things come into play too, with how Pilates is healing.

Heather [00:23:39]:

Just given you sharing some of your story with us, we love to ask our guests if one of our archetypes that we explore kind of hit home for you or you had a particular reaction of the Virgin, the Beauty or the Bitch.

Kelly Etter [00:23:59]:

Well, I joked with Christopher in the email back and forth that the virgin jumped out because I'm pretty much a podcast virgin, so. And the bitch just, again, I really appreciated how Christopher, being a man still seems. You seem to have such a sensitivity towards women and what goes on and how we operate, et cetera. And so we shared then that what jumped out of me about that was how. And I think maybe things are changing a little. But how? It seems as if a man who is assertive and direct is assertive and direct. However, often a woman who's assertive or direct, which I haven't been very much, but it ebbs and flows, is often called a bitch. And why? Why is that? Why can't, no matter what you're, whether you're male or female, if you're direct, you're direct, right? And then beauty.

Kelly Etter [00:25:02]:

What came to me is how often our society looks at beauty on the surface. And I guess maybe that makes sense because we are visual creatures, and that's what we see first. But to me, there's so much beauty inside us and in being able to work together to support each other. The fact that I get to help people break free, free from physical pain as well as the emotional pain of being unable to trust their body to support them in what they want to do and working with people who are afraid of exercise. One woman, when I was at Mill Valley Health Club in Spa, she had never exercised. And so taking her from that place to then into the advanced exercise is one of the quintessential advanced Pilates exercises. The teaser on the box and showing her that, and at first, her face going, oh, I don't know about this. And of course, we didn't do it right away.

Kelly Etter [00:26:07]:

This is after working together for quite a while, but then she did it. And how she lit up right when she did this thing that she never thought she would do. So that, I think that's real to me, there's real beauty in that. And helping people see their potential, reach their potential, and see how their countenance can change, how their confidence increases, how their resilience increases. To me, that's. That's. I responded to each word.

Christopher [00:26:44]:

I am so happy that you acknowledge your accomplishments in inspiring other human beings under the banner of beauty because that is beauty. That is, humans exchanging beauty beyond the physical, beyond what the eyes can see. That is true beauty. That you are able to assist another human being in advancing into something they were afraid to do. That is beautiful. I'm so glad you acknowledge your role in that because, yes, that is the essence of beauty.

Kelly Etter [00:27:32]:

Thank you. Well, I'm honored that I. That I get to do this, that I get. This is my work, right? I get to, you know, work often has a less than positive connotation for people or feeling to people. And I don't really even call it work very often because. Because it is so fulfilling and rewarding.

Christopher [00:27:57]:

And if I am, you know, a reluctant person to exercise, how do I get in touch with you?

Kelly Etter [00:28:06]:

I also had a couple people come to me and say they were reluctant exercisers, and it was cool to then see their progression as well. And you would. You could go to my website, kellyetter.com. so, kellyetter.com find me on Facebook. Kellyetter on Instagram is Kellyetterpilates or Email me.

Christopher [00:28:40]:

And before we go, a Rockette. You were a Rockette?

Kelly Etter [00:28:45]:

It was a while ago, .

Christopher [00:28:47]:

Like flinging your legs in the air, I love that. What was that experience like?

Kelly Etter [00:28:52]:

Oh, my goodness. It was intense. It was kind of like, we used to joke it was like dancer Boot camp because actually, I was fortunate enough to be in the show the first year they did an international production. So, I did the show at the National Auditorium in Mexico City. That stage was actually bigger than the Radio City Music Hall stage. So there were, I forget how many. And they called us girls no matter how old we were. I think I was 35 or something, but so we had to add extra girls.

Kelly Etter [00:29:28]:

So it was pretty intense during the rehearsal period because there was a lot of pressure on our dance captain to, you know, make everything look as good as it did on a smaller stage. We were rehearsed in Myrtle Beach, which is at sea level. And then we were in Mexico City, which I forgot. I think it was about 14,000 feet or something. So it was before reality TV, it was Y2K. It was 1999, turning 2000. So, giving away my age, but there really should have been TV cameras behind the scenes because there was as much of a show going on behind the scenes as out on stage. They had to have oxygen tanks and the wings on either side.

Kelly Etter [00:30:15]:

The first number is like ten minutes long, with jump kicks to your face, jump kicks to your face, like minutes of that. So we would run off stage, put the oxygen mask on, suck up some oxygen, run up three flights of stairs to change costumes, while the other, where the regular dancers and singers were on stage, run back down, get lined up in the wings to go again. It was quite an experience, and I am very thankful that I got to do it. And sensational.

Heather [00:30:51]:

What a remarkable story. Especially, you were saying with, as a child born pigeon-toed with leg braces. It's just such a beautiful story of, you know, determination and, and resiliency. So that is just so, so cool.

Kelly Etter [00:31:10]:

Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, I kind of forget about that sometimes. And that's something that I, that moving forward, I would like to remember, also to support my clients with is, you know, there are times you've overcome things or achieved things and you kind of just move on. But it would be really helpful to fuel next steps. If you look back at those things that you did, and that you kind of just set aside. Been there, done that. Right.

Christopher [00:31:45]:

Kelly, this has been really special to get a chance to get to know you and share your experiences that are unique but also very common to so many people. And we want to say thank you for doing this all with such a beautiful smile on your face.

Kelly Etter [00:32:05]:

You're welcome. Thank you. Thanks so much for having me. It's been delightful. It's really. I really appreciate it and really enjoy speaking with both of you.

Heather [00:32:13]:

The feeling is mutual. That smile just takes over your whole face. So it. It's been so lovely. Thanks for joining us.

Kelly Etter [00:32:21]:

Yeah, thank you. I've got even another story about smile, but I don't want to overdo the time.

Christopher [00:32:26]:

Well, if you want to give us a story about smiling, go for it.

Kelly Etter [00:32:31]:

Okay. So in summer stock, a different place than I mentioned earlier. Hampton, New Hampshire. The stage actors union is equity, and they do kind of an apprenticeship program and you have to do a certain number of weeks. So I was an apprentice, and we, in general, oh, here's one of those male-female things that you brought up earlier. Because the girls were put into the costume shop to do our time, to do our hours, and the guys were put in the scene shop, and the scene shop was outside or not air-conditioned, hot and sweaty, and the costume shop was inside and air-conditioned. I didn't like sewing and dealing with the sewing machine. And there's one of the gentlemen that didn't like being out in the scene shop, so we got to swap.

Kelly Etter [00:33:23]:

So I got to learn how to use the Makita. And yeah, it was Kelly and the boys hanging out, and the assistant technical director nicknamed me Smile. And we were housed in these little cabins. And one morning when my roommate and I were coming out of our cabin like there was something clunky, I couldn't figure what's going on. I open it and there was probably 3ft long wood smile painted, you know, red lips and white teeth. And I don't know where that went. I wish I knew where it went, but I guess it's, it's plastered on my face now, so.

Christopher [00:34:01]:

Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. That's where it belongs. Thank you so much, Kelly. It's been a true joy getting to know about you and what you're bringing to this world. Thank you so much.

Kelly Etter [00:34:17]:

You're very welcome. Thank you. Thank you both.

Christopher [00:34:20]:

And you have been listening to The

Heather & Christopher [00:34:22]:

Virgin, the Beauty, and the Bitch.

Christopher [00:34:25]:

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